Dropping a Child Off at College is Like Giving Birth

I drove 10 hours away from home last week to drop our third child off for her first year of college. It was as mentally and physically exhausting as you would think it would be. This being the third time I've done it didn't make it any easier. My long drive home alone allowed me time to solidify the musings I had previously had regarding giving birth and leaving your child at college.

 Bare with my analogy.

When you find out you are pregnant you feel a tremendous responsibility to nurture this precious life you have been given. You try to eat right, exercise, and refrain from anything that may cause harm to the life growing inside of you. You approach birth with much trepidation and excitement.  Giving birth, you have been told is painful, you try to approach it with the attitude that it is a normal and necessary pain that does not mean something is wrong or broken but that something is completely right. The pain gives way to the most incredible thing that has ever happened to you, the emergence of this new person. 

In much the same way you give birth again when the child goes to college (or whatever adult transition he or she makes-I only have the college one for experience). You have grown and nurtured this precious life you were given. You have watered, feed, exercised, taught, fought, laughed, cried and loved this gift for 18 years. The summer before college you become weary with the carrying of the emotion (9 months pregnant).  Often times, it is fraught with some discourse. Both child and parents begin to slowly break away (Braxton Hicks Contractions) and surprisingly there is more tension than you had expected,  With much excitement and trepidation the day looms when you need to leave that child. You anticipate the pain but you do not fully understand it until you get in that car and drive away. It breaks you in two much like labor did. Remember, how during labor, you thought your body would physically break apart? Remember that moment when you thought,  "I am going to die because there is no way my body can do this."?  That moment in labor is called, rightly so, Transition. For those of you Mamas who are leaving your child at school. this is where you are now, Transition. You are physically in pain and you don't think you can make it through. It hurts way more than you expected. You know this is where you are supposed to be. You know this is what you have worked toward for 18 years. You know that your job has always been to work yourself out of a job.  So why does it hurt so darn much? A friend of mine aptly describes it as a piece of your heart is walking around outside your body (a newborn).  YET,  just like labor and birth, this is a good and necessary pain. It is a pain that means all is right with the world. It means that you have done your job well. You are in Transition. You don't think you can do it. The midwives always say that when the Mother says "I can't do it anymore," during labor the baby is soon to be born.  You may not be able to see through the Transition. Be gentle with yourself.  Things will not feel right at home, you will be weepy for no reason, you will mourn the loss of the family that was while adjusting to the family that is. Slowly, things will start to make sense again as you shift into a new routine. When your child calls the first time, with jubilation in her voice and says, "MOM! Guess what I did?" your heart will swell with pride just like it did with the first steps, first smiles, first words. When you make it through Transition, you will be rewarded with the ability to gaze upon this person, that you know, yet haven't met yet. You will be grateful beyond belief to watch her become the person God has created her to be.

As I drove away from my daughter's college town at 5 am the morning after I said goodbye I allowed myself to experience the pain while holding onto the knowledge (once again) that this was a good pain, this meant everything was right and healthy, this meant that an amazing new life was about to be born! 

Musing on Motherhood Spiritual Communion

Musing on Motherhood (MOM): What a surreal experience we are living right now....: What a surreal experience we are living right now. Never, in our wildest dreams, could we have envisioned ourselves where we are right now. ...

What a surreal experience we are living right now. Never, in our wildest dreams, could we have envisioned ourselves where we are right now. So much to think about, so much musing going on. Here are my thoughts, for what they are worth, and this time they really have nothing to do with Motherhood but on a topic that is fundamental to my vocation as a mother, my faith and my love for the Catholic Church.

Last Friday, March 13, the archdiocese 5 miles away from our diocese suspended Masses due to the Coronavirus. When I heard this I stopped dead in my tracks as the tears flowed from my eyes. For the first time I was scared and a little angry, "If we don't have Jesus, we are doomed." My thoughts can go from 0-60 in, well, less than sixty seconds and sometimes they can be insane!

As we loaded everyone into the car on Sunday for Mass, I vowed to be very present and cognizant of what we were about to participate in. I was going to make this Mass count because I knew it would be the last time I received our Lord in the Eucharist for a while. Like most resolutions, I failed miserably. The squirmy 8 year old continued to squirm, all over me, causing me to be slightly perturbed and then my grocery list started forming in my head. When it was time to consume the Eucharist and I was trying to purposefully and slowly chew I got a crumb stuck in my throat and started coughing! EEEK! NOW EVERYONE WILL BE LOOKING AT ME AND THINKING I AM SICK. I left Mass thinking, "How are we going to do this with out Jesus?"

Let me interject here, just incase anyone reading is not Catholic. Yes, we really do believe the Eucharist is Jesus', body, blood, soul and divinity. I really do believe this. I don't just believe, I know this. And yet, I struggle. I struggle because it makes no logical sense. I struggle because, if I really did believe, wouldn't I be crawling on my knees to receive Him? Wouldn't I be able to participate in Mass without creating my grocery list in my head? I often think back to my second grade self who could not receive Communion because I was not Catholic. I was baptized into the Armenian Apostolic Church and although both churches are very close in their beliefs there is still some theological division.  Not being able to receive Communion was so upsetting to me that my mother petitioned the bishops of both churches to see if I could get a dispensation to receive. I was in Catholic School and my mom, sister and I were attending Catholic Mass on Sundays. The bishops decided that  I was allowed to partake in communion in the Catholic Church if there was no Armenian Church with in 10 miles of where I was. So, in the summer, when we lived at our beach cottage, I received, but the rest of the year, I knelt in the pew with tears in my eyes. Years later, after I became Catholic, I realized what a gift God had given me. I  had yearned and hungered for Him  in a way that I no longer did  because receiving Him has become routine and expected. I know in my mind how privileged we were here in the USA to be able to attend Mass, not just on Sunday but any and every day if we choose. IF WE CHOOSE, if it suits us! Jesus, is not forcing us, he is inviting us and waiting for us.  I also realized how I had lost that yearning. I know I started taking Him and receiving Him in the Eucharist for granted.

That is until Sunday March 15 when I was in a panic. I was vaguely aware of  making a Spiritual Communion but in my "holier than thou" self I never thought it was "as good as" actually receiving communion and nothing I had to think about until I was old and had to "watch Mass on TV". Time to do some soul searching and research. Another reason why I love the Catholic Church is because it really does have a biblical answer for everything. What it teachers makes sense if you are patient enough and open enough to take the time to understand the what and why. This is something I have purposely tried to do over the years. I have learned so much, and understand much more than I did. As I tell my children, "if you think you know all about your faith then your spiritual lives will stall. You can never stop learning."

What have I learned this week? I have learned that the desire to participate in Mass and receive Holy Communion is key. That every single Mass offered, by every single priest in this world is being offered by them for US!  Because of our baptism we are all members of the body of Christ  As members of Christ's body we are all partaking in each and every Mass that is said around the world. Our guardian angles are partaking in the Eucharist for and with us. I have learned that this abstaining from receiving the Eucharist is nothing new for our Church. There have been other times in history when for either emergencies, a shortage of priest or just because it wasn't expected, that people have not receive Jesus every time they went to Mass.  I have learned that it is the desire of our heart and the participation in the Mass that is what is needed to fulfill our Sunday obligation. And I have been reminded in a very visceral way that Jesus is still with us, is always with us and our desire to be with Him is what is required now.

That seven year old girl showed up today. She was kneeling in front of the big screen TV, surrounded by her family and dog. The tears of desire were flowing again.  She prayed in thanksgiving for all the priests who were offering Masses for her today and receiving Jesus in the Eucharist for her. She was grateful that she could partake in Mass. Even if she couldn't physically receive Jesus, she knew she was uniting her heart and soul to His. She looked forward in great anticipation to the joy of one day uniting herself again, physically with her Savior.

My Jesus,
I believe that You
are present in the Most Holy Sacrament.
I love You above all things,
and I desire to receive You into my soul.
Since I cannot at this moment
receive You sacramentally,
come at least spiritually into my heart. I embrace You as if You were already there and unite myself wholly to You. Never permit me to be separated from You.

Amen.

Some resources in case you are curious:

https://angelusnews.com/faith/the-secret-to-understanding-spiritual-communion-in-a-time-of-video-masses/?fbclid=IwAR3RmXgllEkUPt97VKt_1hMw2XWUvxHosIS1BkV6b_J3UuAv-waFCpxpRGM

https://osvnews.com/2020/03/14/the-why-and-how-of-making-a-spiritual-communion/

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year- NOT!

We all know the commercial where the parents are singing "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" while buying back to school supplies for their children. There are many reasons why I don't like that commercial.  One of the reasons is because it signals a major transitional time of year and what I have realized through my musings in the last few years is that I really don't like transitions.

Starting mid August to mid September my stomach is in knots, and I look toward my birthday at the end of September as a kind of finish line. When I get there I celebrate, the routines are more or less in place and there is a certain normalcy to life again. As a child I would have the yearly "back to school dream". I can't remember it exactly anymore but I do remember I had it every August and it filled me with dread.  As an adult I may not have the dream but I still have the dread. It is the thought of going from days of openness with unending possibilities to days of strict schedules and business.  Now that I have college students and highschoolers who are not homeschooled it is  knowing they will not be flitting in and out of the kitchen all day. It is knowing that even with the homeschoolers we have things we must get done, places we must be, people we must see. Not that more relaxed tone of summer is better, both are needed but it is the shift between the two that sends me into a tizzy. I reluctantly took the September calendar out yesterday and started plotting and planning, slowly and methodically shifting my mindset from a time of being to a time of doing.

The highschoolers are in school, the college boy is returning tomorrow, the working girl is at work and the homeschoolers and I are going to embrace this new norm with excitement.....next week!

The Little Things

What a crazy spring we had! From the first day of spring until mid June our family celebrated two sacraments (First Communion & Confirmation), two theater productions, a dance recital, two baseball teams,swim lessons, a quick trip to Ireland for hubby and me, a weekend trip to Ohio for a college graduation, a prom, and 5 out of 6 children's birthdays (two of whom are still waiting for a party). Oh yea, and we rescued a 18 month old dog from Alabama! I am not complaining, really. I am just tired!

As I tried to keep my head above water the past few months my mantra became, "Blessed Chaos." The way we choose to look at things impacts the way we approach them. I am not saying I didn't break down in tears many times trying to juggle the schedule because that would be an out right lie. But I really did try to reframe my thought process as I was moving through the Blessed Chaos.  All these things  All these activities, events, celebrations,were good! Not just good but great! They are the stops and starts on the road to adulthood. Not only do we physically drive our children here, there and everywhere but we help them navigate their interests so they can find and use their God given gifts. It is one of the best parts of the "job" we have and we fill with parental pride as our children move through the major and minor milestones of their lives, struggling, stumbling and succeeding. How can we not?

However, I found out during this crazy spring season, that it wasn't the major milestones that shattered my maternal heart but it was what seemed to start as an ordinary event, on an ordinary day, that was an extraordinary experience for me. The 11 year old started in Boyscouts this spring. He was completing his requirement for his first advancement. My husband usually takes him to the scout meetings but for some reason I was in charge that day. My young scout was wrecked with anxiety all day about having to go talk to one of the leaders that night. When I say he was worried, we spent most of the our homeschooling day, going over his requirements and talking him through what he need to say and do. My husband spoke with him on the phone. I continued to reassure him throughout the day. But he was not convinced that this would work. I was present at the end of the meeting so I could be there if he needed me to help him navigate approaching the leaders. However, I made sure I was way in the background, just giving him little head nods and smiles as he waited for the leader to acknowledge him. Finally, the leader saw him and asked if he needed something. Tentatively, my son approached and started explaining all he had done to earn the rank of Scout. When they were done talking, son turned around and was beaming! The joy on his face and the realization that he accomplished something so challenging (not the rank of scout but the presentation of his work) was more than my heart could bare. I was given the gift of seeing a glimpse of the man he developing into. We say we are proud of our children, but at that moment, my heart was shattered with love and pride. Even now, writing this, I am brought to tears. By some miracle, I was able to drive him home and chit chat about the meeting and how well he did without breaking down in tears (that I saved for my husband later on!) The 11 year old was quite please with himself but I don't think he realized, like I realized, how much he accomplished that night!

In your times of Blessed Chaos try to hold onto those moments of pure joy!

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Periodically, my husband and I revisit the idea of me taking on a paying job. Usually, it results in me getting stymied at the prospect of putting together a resume but I decided this was the year I would tackle that first step. How to put into words what we do as mothers is a blog post in and of itself: one I am not ready to write because I am still trying to figure it out! However, this idea of leaving the safety of my home and going back out into the work force has forced me to think of what I want to be when I grow up.

The easiest route would be to hop back into my previous profession as a Pediatric Speech-Language Pathologist. I ran into an former colleague once who asked me a question that I have pondered ever since: "But do you want to sit on the floor any more?" (We worked in Early Intervention together. our offices were sitting on the floor playing with children up to 3 years old.). In the intervening time from that question and me sitting down working on this resume I have day dreamed of the ultimate job.

Are you ready?

I want my own bookmobile! I want to drive around into neighborhoods with my vast array of children's books and share them with children. I see a need for this! Not just in underprivileged neighborhoods but in places like where I live. Neighbors are isolated. People are inside unless they are scheduled to go somewhere. So in my vision the bookmobile would show up and after a few times ,when parents trusted me, they would send their children out to the bookmobile to pick a book. I would have just books (and maybe cookies) in my bookmobile. My job would be to help each child find the perfect book that would transport him into a new world.  Impromptu book clubs would spring up as the children started sharing favorite stories with each other. Conversations would flow and flourish. Neighbors would get to know each other again. Sharing of ideas and civil conversations would be a natural progression.

I am not sure what this has to do with motherhood. Except in the chaos of family life it is sometimes good to dream big.

What do I need to accomplish this? I have plenty of children's books (and my husband would probably be happy to move them OUT of the house). I even have experience driving large vehicles. Not just our family car but I drove a bus for a few short months in college!  What I need is someone to donate a bus, refurbish it for me, and pay me.

Any takers? 

Adult like children

I vividly remember the day my oldest was a baby and my husband found me crying (not really unusual at that point but bare with me). Come to find out, I was envisioning the days when my daughter would be all grown up and I wouldn't like her.  Now, before you judge me hear me out. I had always had a "knack" with children. I gravitated towards them, I enjoyed them, I knew I wanted to work in pediatrics BUT I always had this vague feeling of liking the puppy or kitten but not liking the dog or cat. My husband of course was very rational and honestly said, "I look forward to them as teenagers and adults, they will be so interesting." I did not believe him.


Fast forward 20 or so years.

I had a brief chat with my college senior today. It was a  quick check in because I was concerned about something and wanted to touch base. The conversation we had made me pause and reminded me about the above conversation I had with my husband. WOW! I like this kid turned adult. This was not the first time recently that I had thought this about both my college "children".


April 2018, I had the most wonderful opportunity. I went to Austria for 5 days to visit my then junior in college during her semester abroad. Our first day was spent in Vienna, St. Stephen's Cathedral for Mass, Vienna coffee houses, out of the way Armenian Monastery: I was like a kid in a candy shop! I love to travel and I hadn't done something like this in a long, long time.: as in BC time (before children).  After our day in Vienna we took trains and buses to the quintessential Austrian town of Gaming.  The hills were alive! I was ready to go! But my daughter was not. Yes, we started the beautiful spring day with Viennese coffee and a tour of her campus, which use to be a Carthusian monastery. Then she needed to do school work. Ok. I thought, I will plan the next couple days. As we sat in the court yard I started surfing and suggesting: we could rent bikes and ride to the next village, we could take a train to another village and see the big cathedral, we could...., we could......, we could do so much! We are in Austria! Finally, she looked at me and said, "Mom, I just want to hang out here with you. I have been traveling every weekend, I have work to do and I just like having you here with me." OH! Well, that stopped me in my tracks. So I sat and started thinking. And because I have a hard time sitting too long I went for a short hike and let her get on with some studying.

As I hiked I started musing. I already had my junior year in Europe. This was her time not my time.  Yet, she wanted me to be part of it, to experience it, to share it with her. That thought brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart to the point of bursting. And suddenly, I was ok with hanging out in Gaming for 4 days, meeting her friends, sitting a coffee shop for two hours drinking the most amazing ice coffee ever, going to daily mass together, meeting up at the restraunt on campus for a drink after a beautiful hike to a waterfall, basically, she was letting me into HER life. It couldn't have been more wonderful if I had planned it myself! HA!  I kind of like this person. I might have actually chosen to hang with her in Austria even if she wasn't my daughter!

That thought stayed with me as I flew home. I mused that I should do that with every child before they "fly the coop": spend some quality time with them on their own turf. Again, I was planning and organizing and something bigger was going to intervene and show me that I don't need to go to Austria to appreciate the adults my children are becoming.

In May my college son and I took a quick 2 day trip to Washington DC. He was thinking of transferring and UMaryland was one of his choice. Well, off we went. How surprised I was when I was so quickly blessed with another "I like these adult kids moment." Of course his was completely different in style than his sister's but that makes sense! They are completely different people. And yet....I love them. Wait. I have to love them they are my kids. I actually LIKE them! They touch different parts of ME. And this is what I remember and cherish most from our quick two day turn around: having my son introduce me to new music that I never would have listened to, including some funny rap songs, having to reveal one of my most embarrassing life moments to him and he not blinking an eye, having him stuck in a car and actually talking about things in his life and then saying, "wow, I just talked a lot.", asking him if he wanted detour to "Rut's Hut?" and him knowing what I was talking about and agreeing, pulling into a campground at midnight and kind of just going with the flow of setting up in the dark, both of us drawing a "line" down the middle of the tent: making sure the other stayed on his side,  and  me being completely confident in his ability to drive us through NYC. Laughing. Wow. I like him too.

Having children from age 7-21.....what can I say? You are in many different "time zones". I cherish the ones who still snuggle on my lap because I know those days are ending soon.  But because I have had these experiences with my older two I can start to see them in the middle two and I am getting excited. I am amazed how my husband nailed it on the head all those years ago. They ARE interesting and even if they were not my children I would choose to spend time with them because I like the people they have become and are becoming!  For that I am eternally grateful.